


all i've got left (is gasping for air)

by jinyoungies



Category: Day6 (Band)
Genre: Falling In Love, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, I'm Sorry, Kissing, Love, Love Confessions, M/M, Sexual Humor, Valentine's Day, Wonpil cries, brian's dirty mind smh, i'm so bad at tags omg, jaepil, just kissing, mainly written from jae's pov, no smut here sorry, only if you have a dirty mind though, please tell me if i missed anything important, there's a minor suspense moment near the end but it doesn't affect the story, warning for some swearing and light angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-09
Updated: 2019-04-09
Packaged: 2020-01-07 13:03:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,721
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18411209
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jinyoungies/pseuds/jinyoungies
Summary: valentine’s day + jaepil + the five stages of falling in love.





	all i've got left (is gasping for air)

**Author's Note:**

> title from 'can't save myself' by as it is.
> 
> once again, this for my best friend-you know who you are- i was going to post this on your birthday but you convinced me to post it earlier, so here it is. thank you for motivating me to write and publish this. happy early birthday! i hope you enjoy <3

tonight was another one of those nights when park jaehyung was left alone all by himself, getting lost in the dreams and battles of his own insecurities and things that bothered him a little too much than they would to any ordinary human being. it was another one of the countless sleepless nights spent at their studio, trying to work out chords for their next song, this one to be titled ‘chocolate’. it was written for as a part of an OST of a soon to be popular drama, and the fact that him and wonpil wrote the lyrics together a short while back, still has his insides turning upside down and spinning around, weakening like a fruit jelly on a summer day with a sprinkle of the sun on a plain sky high, and his hands sweating nervously and vividly with no hopes of stopping. he remembered every moment of it so clearly, it was mesmerising, to jae at least, he loved watching wonpil do the things he loves, he loved showing the boy’s talents off, he loved watching his eyes crinkle and his teeth starting to show whenever he smiled. he loved his smile. and his eyes. and the way they sparkled with nothing but love. he loved it all, but just a tiny little bit, though. and only if you asked.

and to follow up, if you were to ask park jaehyung this- of course he liked wonpil more than as a friend. wasn’t it obvious? despite the ‘undying hatred’ he had towards him -which by the way, only seemed to appear when the cameras were turned on and their focus was on them, but we’ll get to that later- jae found wonpil extremely, undeniably, both internally and externally soft, cute, attractive. hell, even to this day he sees far more than that in him. he could never describe it himself, since whenever he tried to come to any sort of conclusion based upon what he’s felt towards the short (or, shortER, for that matter), brown haired guy with eyes like galaxies which reflected the most light and energy to contain for the both of them within the two starry globes for so many years now, any way of expressing it was particularly thrown out of the window. jae couldn’t move, he couldn’t speak, he couldn’t play guitar, or any instrument for that matter, he couldn’t sing, he couldn’t distract himself by any means, gosh, he couldn’t even write, which said a lot considering he usually wrote down everything he could ever think of that worried or bothered him, in hopes of turning it into the art in forms of music or poetry someday. it was as if he was paralysed, so entirely locked in the moment, and whenever he tried to shake his head off in hopes of letting go of the thoughts of his younger bandmate with him, next to him, admiring each and every detail of him, and yet the thought of just that would’t go away, that’s when he realised it, and in that second he definitely knew it. he liked wonpil far more than as a friend. that’s only if you asked, and surprisingly enough, not many people cared enough to ask. maybe it was better off that way? who knew at this point, even jae was often left unsure as his endless questions remained unanswered.

it all started long before they officially debuted as day6, long before the cameras focus and lights were on them wherever they went. they were still trainees back then and to be honest at first, jae didn’t seem to find himself thinking much of it. he had always been open with the fact that he was bisexual, and he thought- or so he hoped- that his little crush on the short, oversized-jumper-flirty guy wonpil, also known as winkpil to the fans, would pass when their debut date comes and their schedules get busy. and it did, for a short while.  
until it didn’t. jaehyung could say that for a fact, all the pre recordings, comeback stages, music shows, busking, radio interviews, live performances, constantly being in wonpil’s presence, gave jae even more reasons to find joy in the charming guy who’s smile was brighter than the brightest stars the galaxies have known combined on its own. jae found so much happiness in the guy, he always has, every day finding new ways of adoring his natural aura of love and warmth surrounding him wherever he goes and whatever he does, jae almost felt bad liking him sometimes. jae didn’t think he deserved him at all, and at the end of the day, jae didn’t know if wonpil was straight, gay, bi or pan, or anything else that wasn’t purely straight. sure, they were close, they were best friends, actually, but there was never a major need to talk about it, so of course, they didn’t simply in order to avoid the painful awkwardness. to jae, he was just wonpil. but ‘just wonpil’ was way more than it implied. it was just enough for jae’s heart to skip a beat or two, causing him to stumble upon his own words like a whipped teenage boy in an american reality show. the others noticed it too; soon enough brian always teasing him about it; he’d constantly ask ‘‘ _who's the lucky guy, jae?_ ’, scrunching his nose in jae's face as he turned away to face the wall and stare blankly into it, with his mind rather on fire. dowoon tended to stand back and not say anything despite the look he gave wonpil, subconsciously telling him to look back at jae and quit trying to come off dry or cold because it clearly wasn’t working. sungjin was the only one who actually knew. it was on jaehyung’s birthday, after a few too many shots at the local bar, that the leader convinced the guitarist to finally let it all out. so he did, and sungjin was totally not surprised at all.

shortly after that was when jae figured it’s been far too long for him not to do something. and take that in any way you like, jaehyung clearly wasn’t thinking straight, according to brian and his own self. so he thought of a plan. and he had to stick to it no matter what. park jaehyung wasn’t necessarily the fall-in-love, cute-relationship-goals kind of guy, and he’s never liked anyone for more than a few weeks, so his ‘right mind’ thought it was time to get over the crush. simple. right? _"it will be hard”_ -he told himself-  _"you're his best friend at the end of the day. he doesn't know you like him. but it's what's needed to be done. you've got this, jaehyung, do not fuck this up. please."_ he told himself over and over again, and so it began. all jae needed to do was to force his brain into thinking the opposite of what it is. it really wasn’t that deep, according to him at the time. so, in this case, he needed to learn how to hate wonpil. and he needed to make it look natural, not like something he enforced because he was head over heels in love. he needed to embrace that kim wonpil was just a brat who couldn’t bare to be alone for more than an hour without clinging onto someone’s lap, or excusing everyone from doing their daily duties and activities because he needed attention. right? is that what was needed in order to get over him?

he then started acting upon it without quite realising the consequences of it and how both of the sides will most definitely get upset at some point during this. even if he still couldn’t seem to force himself into thinking the way his head was telling him to; every now and then, which in reality was whenever he got the chance to, he teased wonpil; about anything he could. he tried his best to make it out like he hated him. and on twitter? people who weren’t majorly a part of their fandom could really swear he was being serious and that he meant it, that he meant every slightly mean joke he made about the younger bandmate. he wasn’t sure whether this was exactly what he planned for it to come off as, and as the doubt his his brain, he once again tried to enforce that this is just how things were meant to be. at least how he tried to make them be, of course. one day, even the guy himself asked the tall one if he really hates him, to which he simply answered " _what do you think_?” as one of the members rapidly switched the topic as they noticed the awkward silence between them and wonpil’s sad puppy eyes starting to sparkle even brighter, tears filling up wonpil’s eyes as he looked down, praying the others won’t notice as the awkwardness yet filled both of their heads way too quickly. _beautiful, jaehyung. wonderful. you should be proud of yourself. it's going well. this is what you wanted, right? right?_

the days passed, both jae and wonpil were drastically and noticeably getting further away from each other- the younger, so fragile on his own already, was too afraid he did something wrong, so he stopped bothering jae and even though he tried his best not to let all the teasing and “i hate you’s” get to him, it was hard for him to do so too. someone so close to him, someone who, in the end, was the guy he too fell in love with many years ago. it was like love from the first sight- wonpil saw jae before even knowing they were going to be in the same band, and from then he did anything he could to get closer to him. is that where he went wrong? did jae simply get sick of him? he loved jae more than he loved anyone else, but being, well, wonpil, he was too scared to ever say anything to anyone. his one and only, his jae, was now acting like he hated him. wonpil wondered, did he do something wrong? did he say something wrong, in the wrong time? was there something he needed to change? why couldn’t jae just tell him, instead of constantly yelling about how much he hates him online and in person whenever they were seen together in public? even though both sides laughed, wonpil doubted neither of them actually found it funny. or at least he hoped it was that way anyway. at the end of the day, even though wonpil was so truly, madly, deeply, neck deep in love with day6’s guitarist, park jaehyung, they were still friends, right? right? or was it all just a blind hope to see the light in a tunnel? if they were friends, surely jae would have told him he did something wrong?  
the time had passed quicker than ever, jae and wonpil both evidently getting tired of each other’s petty attitudes. and, ironically enough, would you be surprised if i told you that believe it or not, jae never truly believed it in the first place? he tried, okay, that’s all that mattered. soon enough, the reality hit him that as soon as the cameras turned off, so did the dumbass high school douche bag jokes you’d hear in the 3rd part of the mean girls movie that jae had thrown at wonpil, leaving him confused and borderline scared. he didn’t understand it this time around either, but for all he knew, park jaehyung, could never truly hate kim wonpil even if he tried. even if the fans, the rest of the band, the management, even if wonpil or jae thought that they hated each other, they just simply didn’t.  
“ _step one: shock_ ” echoed in the lanky, tall guitarist's head, at the back of his left-side brain as he gasped and pulled himself back to work. but what was there to be so shocked about?  
“ _step two: denial”_ it was like a flash, appearing out of nowhere. _fuck. fuck. fuck._ what was happening to him? is that what it was? denial? why, out of everyone, was it wonpil? why couldn’t it be jimin, or kevin, hell, why couldn’t it be sungjin, or at least brian? why did wonpil's eyes have to shine so bright that jae could never get his eyes off of them? why, out of 7 billion people in the world, was it wonpil? it was true, just like he told sungjin on another drunk night, his heart never stopped beating out wonpil’s name, as if it was engraved onto his heart, like a melody ready to be played out loud each second. it was him all along. and jae never wanted to get enough of it, now that he knew he couldn’t deny it.

and so jae was now back in the studio, a place that seemed to lift his worried off his chest, decreasing them by a small percentage. it the same studio where he wrote all the secret love songs about wonpil, pretending they’re aimed at someone else even though they pretty much spelled out wonpil’s name. the same studio where ‘chocolate’ was written, with playful smirks and sighs let out by the both of them while thinking of what lyrics would ’suit the storyline best'. jae remembers that day so perfectly, he remembers thinking of the two of them as the characters from a cheesy drama, the first firsts, the long lustful kisses, falling in love. and for the first time ever, jae didn’t mind the thought of falling in love and spending his life with wonpil. that day, he could just recall just what both him and the guy of his dreams was wearing, what the initial ideas were and how they ended up to become what the song is now. _“i wonder if his lips taste of chocolate_ ” - jae thought for a split second before fighting off the thoughts, knowing that if this carries on, he won’t be able to focus and he’ll lose track of each idea they took a not of. jae was cursing himself under his breath and mentally smashing his head against the desk for even thinking that about his bandmate’s lips pressed against his. he grunted as he pushed his hair out of his face; snapping out of the state.  
" _step three: anger._ " it was nothing new, so why was he acting like it’s the first time he wished their lips would collide, dancing around like they were meant to be, so full of grace while still remaining forceful, needy, almost, while still being surrounded with love and sweetness? and just like with chocolate, after one piece, jae knew he wouldn’t be able to stop wanting more. “ _just friends, remember? you don't even know if he likes guys._ ” he felt his thoughts filling up his mind and his head, almost being able to swear he could hear himself think. this shortly extended into the whole room, pushing the ceiling into whatever was the highest thing up in the sky. jae quickly ran his hand through his dark brown hair as he picked up a piece of paper and chaotically searched for a pen.  _couldn't this just be done already?_

and suddenly, something hit him. after the fourth step of bargaining has already took place before, it was just another one to tick off from the list of the overall stages of falling in love. ironic, he thought while he searched for a pen and got carried away in writing yet another lyric down, just there and then, completely out of nowhere, in that certain moment and second, jae once again looked up to the ceiling, which now looked and felt more extended than ever, making it look like he was blankly staring into space for nothing- he saw all the colour surrounding him, and how the world felt like its saturation rate now increased from 0% to at least 150, all the certificates put up on the walls turned into beautiful paintings, the books on the shelves turned into lovesick paragraphs about the poet’s undying love for their significant other. and maybe it was due to the fact he just couldn’t get the image of wonpil kissing him out of his head, but something hit him, and jae now knew it. in that second, feeling partially dizzy from the thought constantly hitting his brain, shooting straight through his heart as if it was going to kill him. and to jae, it sure did feel like death.  
he was in love with kim wonpil. that’s all it took, and that’s all that mattered to jae right now. for all he knew, it was wonpil. it was him all along. there was no need to deny it anymore. no need for the fake hatred as the camera lights strike upon them, to which he said goodbye the second he gasped 𝘧𝘶𝘤𝘬 𝘪𝘵 and tossed the thought of hating wonpil away like an old piece of paper thrown in the bin. no need for the denials and questions with endless hopes for an answer, never exactly getting one either. the realisation hit him many long months ago and yet he was still sat there, in the same, old studio, and the same mindset that surrounded him every night, always linking back to the brown haired, sparkly bro eyed, wonpil. his wonpil, his love even if it was only one-sided. it wasn’t long before the lyrics he previously wrote down turned into another love song he will probably never share with anyone, because if he ever published it even the fans would be concerned as to how they come up with these lyics despite not having major encounters with girls. all that was going through his head was _wonpil, wonpil, wonpil_  and even though jae tried to act like this wasn’t the first time this has happened, he once again failed, being made aware that this is a repeat of every one of his ' _wow, i love wonpil. jesus christ, i really fuckin' love wonpil!'_ moments, that strike him and almost attack him at least once a day. whipped! that’s the word! jae was so, entirely, whipped. and let me tell you, he felt like he was flying. he felt ready to give anything up in order to just have wonpil to himself, preferably sitting him down on his lap as he buried himself into the kiss, deepening it with each second. he already loved spending any time alone with wonpil, he loved unconsciously and unpurposefully making the younger boy blush. but nothing ever drives him as mad as the want, the need to just lean in and kiss wonpil already just one time when they’re alone.

jae yawned as the clock hit midnight as the date on his phone changed from the 2nd to the 3rd of february. it was valentine’s day soon, jae realised, and usually he wouldn’t care at all, but this year jae thought it might be a good idea finally going to do something. something so totally out of his comfort zone and something so against everything and anything he’s ever done which he has planned a few months back, never getting the courage to actually do it, always waiting for an appropriate time because he was scared he wasn’t ready. “ _scrap that”_ he said, as he scrunched up the piece of paper and grabbed a fresh one instead. he has never thought of doing anything like this in his life, but there he was, writing a love note to jyp entertainment’s day6’s synthesist, kim wonpil, convincing that he is the only one that’s ever proven that jaehyung is capable of love. the 26 year old wasn’t sure how he had come up with the plan of confessing to wonpil but when things eventually came down to it, jae didn’t even know where to start. how should he even write it? should it be a poem, a love letter? a simple writing of how he feels? most importantly, what should he even say? all he knew was that he will spend this valentines day with wonpil, whether it was as friends or lovers if he was lucky and if wonpil didn’t hate him after what he was soon about to read, or even as previous ‘#1 wonpil hater’ if he had to, everything was okay just as long as he was with him. all of this, even though it wasn’t new to jae at all, felt like something that was only just starting to appear as the days appeared. as if wonpil was only just turning from a friend to a crush, when in reality it was so much more than that. wonpil was indeed, right from the start, going from a stranger, to a friend, to a bandmate, to a best friend, to a crush, to an.. enemy, perhaps, when the cameras were on, to now that he’s finally got it in his head once and for all- the love of his life. and he was ready, gosh, jaehyung was so ready to give it his all. it was his time to shine, or his time to make wonpil shine, if we’re being honest. and he was ready to do anything to make that smile of wonpil's appear again.

_"you have 11 days to get this right. this time i mean it. do not. fuck. this. up."_

falling in love was never jaehyung’s thing until he met wonpil. sounds cliche, i know. maybe the cliche-ness of it was what made him not want to believe it for so long, maybe the stereotype of forever being happy with your significant other and all the beautiful special moments there are all for you to share was too much, or simply not enough? wonpil was so special, so different in so many beautiful ways and jae didn’t want him to fall into the norm everyone else fit into. he wanted to give him the world, and all the happiness that came with it. he wanted to love, to cherish wonpil and all of him, to jae, and pretty much to everyone wonpil has ever met, he deserved every good thing the world had to offer. jae wanted to collect all the happiness that existed and shove it in wonpil’s face, stuffing his cheeks with it and even shoving it down his throat if he was forced to. wonpil is undeniably an angel, no one could argue with that. the question is, is jae enough to give him at least a tiny portion of that? the amount of times jae had questioned it was almost uncountable, he always wondered; if wonpil did, somehow, have a crush soon him too, was he enough to make him as happy as he wished?

-

day by day, slowly yet steadily, jae started to realise he was simply just overthinking it way too much. at the end of the day, if wonpil wasn’t interested, he would just say no- it couldn’t have been that deep, right? - the endless questions echoed in his head as his heart picked up its pace at the thought. jae slowly started getting his words together, writing them down on separate pieces of paper at random times during the day, or on his phone when no paper was to be found anywhere near. some days he wrote more, and some days he didn’t write anything at all, too lovestruck to get his words out to the world, or to the notebook in his bag at least, as he stumbled upon the words that even though he tried, just could never seem good and accurate enough as if he was running a marathon. it was even harder to comprehend since he has never even thought of doing anything like this before, but i guess by that point he was used to wonpil creating and freeing new butterflies in his stomach which then travelled to his chest and to his throat, causing him not almost not be able to speak at certain times.

10th of february. four days left.  
still no major encounter with wonpil. jae was too scared to look him in the eyes. he seem a little more isolated because of the situation which was clearly stressing him out despite knowing it would turn out for the best in just a few days. it seemed like that face was the only one that actually kept him from going insane at that point. it was all as if you were counting down to a huge event that has been planned for years. it wasn’t that much of a big deal after all- or so jae thought, but with each moment passing, it felt like he just wanted to add onto the list of endless things to love about wonpil; which, by the way, got bigger almost every day- it was embarrassing and jae would never mention it to anyone, not even sungjin- the leader of their band and the only one who knew how jae felt directly from him and not through his best friend brian. in fact, it was right there and when that jae realised he has been stuck on his own with the whole situation ever since he thought of it, not being able to say anything of anyone because according to him, confessing to someone you’re so deeply in love with, was too humiliating.  
 _oh, jae. you have it all so well._

by the evening of the 13th of february, just three days after the last chekpoint and the night before he had gathered himself together and ‘got the balls to do it’ as brian had described it, smirking and patting jae’s back. jae knew what brian was implying was quite the opposite of what it was, brian’s brain constantly thinking of sex, therefore what he took it as was that jae just wants to fuck wonpil, when in reality that’s not what he wanted at all. the note was now ought to be done, all jae needed to do now was write it in a pretty card, put it in a nice, preferably pastel pink envelope just as wonpil would like it. when jae got home that day after a long day of practising with the rest of the band, he didn’t even take the time to take his jacket or shoes off, sitting himself back down at the same desk as he stared into the blank, white wall with sub-frequently no purpose at all. soon after which, he snapped out of his turned off state, leaning back as he reached out to his cupboard, pulling out a set of birthday cards to choose from. he thought going slightly off topic of what message he was trying to get across would be a good idea, and simply to avoid giving wonpil an instant heart attack if he did see “be my valentine?” displayed on a potential card that could have been used, he decided to go for a plain, light beige “happy birthday” card, that matched the previously picked pastel pink envelope. _“how do people do this all the damn time?”_ \- jae sighed, a little too proud of himself for reaching this level of 'aesthetically-pleasingness’ as he described it later on on twitter. and still, no one knew.

jae picked up a black gel pen in his hand and began to write. his handwriting looked even more precise and slightly less messy, just perfect to read for anyone who was to have ever read it. in other words- readable for wonpil, who has always complained jae’s handwriting was impossible to read.

 ** _"first of all, before i start, i changed my handwriting a little. i hope you can read it now without complaints. either way, hey you're cute, and this is for you. enjoy."_** \- he wrote, cringing at himself for already calling the guy cute before he even got to the real thing. oh god, this was going to take him a while.

_**"wonpil,** _

_**where do i start this? i guess i could ask you the same question, so let's start again. wonpil, where did you start? how, why, when? how did you manage to do it all? i'd asked myself these questions over and over again over the past few months, sooner it developed into years and i'm still yet to find out the most beautiful things about you. now, you know me, and i'm sure you know i'm not the one to write anything like that i'm about to write. i'm not exactly the 'handwritten love letters' type, i'm never the one to confess and yet i'm here to do just that. please don't freak out, i'm always here okay? just read on and, well, i'll let you decide what comes after that."** _

as he carried on writing, the handwriting got sloppier again, he prayed wonpil would be too caught up in what was actually being written rather than how it was written. he started to worry if he should have picked a different card, a different colour pen, maybe he shouldn’t be doing this at all because wonpil was just a-

the door creaked open before jae’s final thought reached his brain. he quickly looked up to see who was stood in the doorframe, afraid to see who he hoped was the opposite of who it actually was. he dropped his pen, grabbed the envelope and shoved it on his desk, just about enough to cover the card which was rapidly placed down as soon as jae heard the door opening. he had worried the edges of the stiff paper would have bent, but he remembered that compared to what he just saw, that was the least that currently mattered. jae looked up, prayed that it was anyone but wonpil, before seeing the slight glimpse of his legs and realised that yes, it was actually wonpil, ironically enough; not gaining enough willpower to look him in the eye in case he somehow saw everything. _jae doubted this day would get any worse than this._

“ _hyung_ ,” - wonpil said, with his voice as soft as ever, sounding like an angel, as always, which wasn’t a surprised to jaehyung at all, _"you've been here ever since we got back, you haven't left for a single second. have you showered? eaten? you need to take care of yourself, remember?"_ \- and to say jae wasn’t whipped, and if he didn’t just then, feel himself falling even more for the younger boy, as if the hole of flowers and rainbows and thousands of millions of heart emojis got deeper in the very second. his heart was pounding, harder and faster than ever, making jae feel like it was about to beat out of his chest from all the nerves. “ _don't worry about me,_ ” - jae said. _" i'm okay, i just really really need to finish wrapping up this part and then i'm done, okay? i'll be out in about 20 minutes, then we can eat together."_ \- the last five words now echoing in both jae and wonpil’s head like they were ties together with a red string of lust. wonpil, instead of leaving like jae had implied, smiled and gently nodded as he grabbed a chair and sat himself down next to jae’s desk. _**hide. the. card.**_  jae thought. and he would have, most definitely hidden it, if only he wasn’t so entirely frozen in the moment. just as wonpil was about to grab the sacred note himself, jae quickly leaned in and pushed the card, at least one of the edges definitely bent now, into the envelope. _“it's nothing, i told you. see, i've got it all here.”_ \- luckily, jae’s recording and editing programmes were still open from a few days ago. this clearly made wonpil less suspicious of what the older boy was doing, seeing as he now stood up again, picking up the chair and putting it back where it was before he came in. “ _i'll leave that to you then. please do come out soon, we miss you._ ” - he said as he walked out and jaehyung suddenly felt like crying. _great. brilliant. amazing._

20 minutes, just like he said himself.  
20 minutes was all that was left. jae had never wished he could stop being so overdramatic about the situation than he did right now. he wished his heart would stop pounding so deeply in his poor chest as he wrote down the story of how he fell in love once and for all, and how nothing has changed since the moment he realised it. he had already forgotten about the promise he made to himself about keeping his handwriting neat and readable. he found that to be the only thing he has relatively stopped caring about regarding whatever was currently happening. in those 20 minutes, jae couldn’t even count the times he felt like his hand was going to fall off from writing down how every time he looked at wonpil he felt at ease of everything even potentially slightly labelled as pain. he still couldn’t believe he was doing this, not even at all, he wondered what got him there in the first place and what made him want to confess, but found that to also be left hopeless as all the answer drifted back to wonpil. i bet it must have been pretty damn amusing to see all of this happening from the outside too. _incredible, jaehyung. well done, you're a fool._

14th of february.  
jae dropped his pen again as he watched the clock on his phone turn from 23:59 to 00:00 again, like he had done countless of times before as if it was nothing, and that when he realised that by the end of today, he would hopefully have wonpil in his arms after so many years of it just being a dream. he waited so long for this, but he still felt his stomach twist at the thought. still confused as to why he was still acting like all of these things are only just starting to happen, like every time he felt so lovestruck by wonpil was the first, when in reality he had lost count of how many times it’s happened years ago. but the reality was, it was all because of wonpil. all because he had the natural ability to make jae feel like a whole new person due to how happy he was around him. and ever since they allegedly decided to quit the apparent _'i act like i hate you and hope you act like you hate me too’_ act, jae felt as though every moment with wonpil was yet another reason to hold on, like his smile was the reason he kept going, and like his eyes were the reason he still hoped that he maybe, by a chance, felt at least just a little bit that way too. the mental list of the things to do before he handed wonpil the note and stood there, pretending all is fine, seemed to increase as late night hours slowly became those of the early morning. jaehyung finally remembered it would probably be a good idea to rest a little before he does anything, so as soon as the same digital clock was displays on his phone, now showing 3:45am, jae put the device down and let himself drift off to sleep. when he woke up, just a few hours later, he went straight to the practise rooms, taking it easy with the vocals as he told the guys he was just tired.

 _“wonpil, wait”_ \- jae had waited a whole 15 minutes after they had officially finished their practise for the upcoming show, making sure it was just the two of them there. _"i have something for you, and i need to give it to you now. are you free to stay here for a while? i won't take long, i promise."_ \- jae said, wondering if this really was the right choice as he mentally kicked himself in the balls to pull himself together. wonpil nodded, putting the guitar he was carrying down and sitting himself next to jae, who had started to rapidly grab his bag the second he saw wonpil nod, confirming he was free and willing to stay with him. wonpil was curious, he didn’t expect this at all despite clearly being so deeply in love with the guy too. he never chose to show it, in fear of being over affectionate and too afraid to do make the first move in case did, actually, not feel the same way at all. he never wanted to make jae, or anyone for that matter, upset by anything he did. so he sat there, battling his mind, fighting off the thoughts of the guy perhaps asking him to be his boyfriend.

jae pulled the card out, wiping the envelope clean before handing it to wonpil and standing up to put his bag down. after that, he didn’t bother to sit back down, only leaning against the edge of the nearest desk. wonpil quickly opened the card, wasting no time as he took it out of the pastel pink envelope and saw that the same “happy birthday” he saw yesterday when he caught jae writing it, was displayed on the card. what the hell, jae? not only was wonpil confused enough as to why jae was giving him a card on valentines day, by then wonpil had forgotten valentine’s day was even a thing, and even though he secretly wished it was, mayhaps, him finally saying he loves him, but according to wonpil that was very much not jae-like. but a birthday card? that just added fuel to the fire that burned up in wonpil’s stomach the second jae reached out to give him the envelope. _what. on. earth. is. happening._

 _“a birthday card? jae, it's not-_ ” -wonpil said just to quickly be cut off by the older guy’s voice, who couldn’t even bare to look over at wonpil because of how nervous he was. _“i know, wonpil. just read it please.”_ so wonpil did, looking as confused as ever. he opened the card and the second he saw his name, his heart started pounding, beating him up and causing him to almost have trouble breathing. that’s what you get for being in love, he thought.

 

**_first of all, before i start, i changed my handwriting a little. i hope you can read it now without complaints. either way, hey you're cute, and this is for you. enjoy._ **

_**wonpil,** _

_**where do i start this? i guess i could ask you the same question, so let's start again. wonpil, where did you start? how, why, when? how did you manage to do it all? i'd asked myself these questions over and over again over the past few months, sooner it developed into years and i'm still yet to find out the most beautiful things about you. now, you know me, and i'm sure you know i'm not the one to write anything like that i'm about to write. i'm not exactly the 'handwritten love letters' type, i'm never the one to confess and yet i'm here to do just that. please don't freak out, i'm always here okay? just read on and, well, i'll let you decide what comes after that.** _

_**let me start with the fact that if there was a word i had to pick to describe you; i would go with unexpected. wonpil, from the day we met, everything about you was so unexpected and new. every feeling you stroke upon me was far beyond everything and anything i've ever had. i'm not one hundred percent sure what the purpose of this is. i'll let you decide on that. i couldn't quite handle not being able to walk up to you and hug you in the middle of the day, so i wrote this.you don't need to say anything at all, in fact if you feel as though it will make things awkward: please tell me and i'll leave this all alone. just as long as you're happy, i'm happy too. so, for now there's this. i hope you don't mind my handwriting getting back to its usual mess. i hope you were still able to read it despite that. you're beautiful, kim wonpil. and i love the way you see the world. i like the way your brain works, or whatever they say.** _

**\- jae.**

 

 _stunned_.  
just in that second, just in the moment that wonpil read the last word of what he soon realised was actally what he hoped it would have been, a love letter from a guy he has, too, been in love with all this time. a confession to be precise, unexpected but typical, he thought. maybe the way jae’s handwriting messily overlapped the words above each line, trying to fit the whole thing in without missing a thing, maybe the way he could tell jae took so much of his time which could have been spent of something else, just to make sure it was perfect, that made wonpil feel so loved. so entirely and truly loved. like every bit of him was just how jae wanted it to be without ever needing to change a thing. he felt the way no one has ever made him feel. he wanted to cry, he wanted to scream and yell that he loves jae too, but all that he could do was sit down, note now tucked back on the desk behind them as tears started to fill up his big puppy eyes, making them look even more like the clearest type of glass. he couldn’t bare the silence, nor the lack of action from both sides. it was driving him crazy moment by moment.

 

 _fireworks_.  
wonpil stood up to softly place his hands on jae’s thighs, the older guy still sat on the edge of the desk with his fingers dragging across his face in embarrassment. wonpil removed the said hand from over jae’s nose and cupped his face in the same moment, most definitely not thinking straight but clearly never enough to stop his actions. wonpil looked jae in the eyes as the tears slowly started to disappear, or rather turn into those of happiness. this didn’t last long, jae closed his eyes as an indirect hope, an invitation for wonpil to fill the space between them. once again, he didn’t have to wait long at all. their lips crashed together, and their stomachs now had butterflies setting their insides on fire, blood rushing up with flames. lust, love, love for lust and lust for love. they couldn’t tell. but jae was finally wonpil’s, and wonpil was finally jae’s. without a word, not only did he feel it, but he also knew it. it finally stuck to him.

wonpil smelt of vanilla. the sweet, fresh, gentle scent of it that he could notice from so far away without realising. wonpil felt like home. he looked like home, he smelled like home. everything about him was so welcoming and warm and beautiful yet so gentle jae worried the slightest touch would break him. he was home, whether it took jae 10 days or 10 months to realise it. jaehyung's hands remained down on his sides as wonpil’s were still cupped over his face, caressing his cheeks and subbing soft circles on his jaw. this is definitely the safest jae has ever felt in the 26 years he’s been alive, nothing could argue against that which was now made a fact. his heart screamed _home! home! home!_  a billion times over and over again. wonpil did, in fact, taste of chocolate, or maybe it was just the vanilla scent combined with the sweetness of his lip balm, or the lustful atmosphere in the room they were in. whatever it was, jae was totally right, he couldn’t get enough of it.

as the older opened his eyes again, which remained closed throughout the whole time they kissed, and as wonpil slowly let go of his face, seeing the older boy’s cheeks blooming bright pink colours as he felt his face to the same- their eyes met. if anyone was in the room with them, they would have most definitely described it as though two stars have collided on a night sky, creating a beautiful and bright constellation to be seen. and that’s just what it felt like too. it was like magic. like fireworks set free on new year’s eve, welcoming a new part of life. because that’s exactly what it felt like. a warm hello from a friend you haven’t seen in years, or a visit back to your hometown which you moved away from when you were younger. something that brought back memories in order to create new ones. _beautiful, jaehyung. you're getting more poetic as we speak,_ he thought.

and maybe he did learn to love him, maybe jae learned that the second he saw the sparkle in wonpil’s eyes for the first time was the day every feeling of stubborn and trouble complexed with eternal conflict within himself over if he’s worth love, if he’s worth wonpil at all. he tried to hate him, he tried to get over every slightly romantic feeling he had towards the boy, but was proven wrong not just by others but also by himself. and so he did it, after the times he tried to deny it but subconsciously failed, even if he didn’t think he ever would admit it, jae learned to love. not just anyone, he learned to love wonpil, the brightest star is his galaxy.

“ _please don't leave me hanging now, wonpil: will you please be my-_ “ - jae said, awkwardly trying to smile in wonpil’s direction.

“ _jae!_ ” - wonpil cut him off before he could finish whatever he was trying to say.  _"i didn't just kiss you for nothing! of course i'll be your boyfriend, if that's what you're asking. gosh, you have no idea how badly i've wanted to ask you this, i just... didn't know how t-"_

and their lips were back together.  
everything that surrounded them, froze up in one place.

  
_step five: acceptance. and that's all it took._

**Author's Note:**

> wow okay so i actually started writing this on valentine’s day but got carried away with my other fics and procrastinated writing this one; only wrapping it up and finishing it a few days ago. anyways! i hope you enjoyed this? please be sure to leave me any feedback and comments, i appreciate it all a lot. :D


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